Shinji's Change
by SKA DUDE
Summary: At the end of the world, Ikari Shinji watches the memories of his friends and family...  Read and Review. No Pairings.


**A.N.-Hello, I'm new to this whole Fanfiction thing, so for all those people that read this little oneshot, please give me constructive criticism. **

** Disclaimer: In no capacity does Ska Dude own any of the media used in this work of fiction, those being the storyline and characters of the highly acclaimed anime Neon Genesis Evangelion-conceived by Anno Hideaki-sama, and the song Change (in the house of flies) by The Deftones. Even if I could make a claim to them, it would be a cold day in hell before that ever happens.**

I've watched you change  
Into a fly  
I looked away  
You were on fire

Ikari Shinji sat in endless space, watching memories provided by the human race In his peripheral vision, courtesy of his newly acquired powers brought upon him by the Third Impact. Some were calm and peaceful, while others were horrifying. Shinji's mind, however, was focused on the memories of his former friends and colleagues. "I must not run away" the newly-endowed god chanted to himself, seemingly entranced by all the images he saw. Even as he witnessed the deaths of all those whom he cared for, he simply kept chanting that mantra. 

I watched a change  
In you  
It's like you never  
Had wings  
Now you feel  
So Alive  
I've watched you change 

As he gazed into the seemingly infinite void, he was forced to watch everything that had gone on in the last few months since he was coerced into piloting the bio-mechanical construct known as the Evangelion. From the moment he'd gotten into the cockpit, to the moment when he'd witnessed his friend Ayanami Rei's sacrifice in order to defeat the sixteenth angel. He even had to remember the near death of his good friend Touji, who had also been coerced into this hellish life, and had paid the price for it with an arm and a leg.

I took you home  
Set you on the glass  
I pulled off your wings  
Then I laughed 

On and on the memories played out, filling him with even more angst and hate, as he saw his first (and only) kiss with his supposed crush, Sohryu Langely Asuka, which ended with her washing her mouth out and lamenting about how much of a "mistake" it had been to kiss him. Oh yes, he hated her for that, along with everything else she had said and done to him over all the time they knew each other. But on some level, he also understood. He knew that he was a coward, and that she would never notice him the way he wanted, but he had still dared to hope.

I watched a change  
In you  
It's like you never  
Had wings  
Now you feel  
So alive  
I've watched you change  
It's like you never  
Had wings ahhh ahh ahhh 

The biggest blow to his fragile psyche, however, came as he viewed his own father's memories. He watched as Rokubungi Gendou fell in love with Ikari Yui, helped bring Shinji into the world, helped with Project E, and then after the events of his mother's absorption into Evangelion Shogouki he watched Gendou's slide into madness. Shinji saw all the pain that he put Rei through in order to mold her to his needs, he witnessed all the things that Gendou made both Akagi Naoko and her daughter Ritsuko do, all the abuse he made them take. It was like a train wreck, horrible to watch, but those who watched were unable to look away.

I look at the cross  
Then I look away  
Give you the gun  
Blow me away 

But through all the the ugliness he was taking in, the one who he blamed for this hell, was himself. "If only I hadn't been such a coward" he thought, " I could have stopped this, All of this." (Now, what he did not seem to understand, was that while he may have played a role in the events leading up to this point, he was not the one at fault ultimately. But nevertheless, on with the angst) He watched as Asuka was mentally raped by the fifteenth angel, her thoughts being played back to her in a sort of loop, breaking her self-confidence and making her a hollow shell.

I've watched a change  
In you  
It's like you never  
Had wings  
Now you feel  
So Alive  
I've watched you change.  
Now you feel Alive  
You Feel Alive  
I've watched you change  
It's like you never  
Had wings ahhh ahh ahhh **  
**

It seemed that all Shinji could do was watch and suffer for his supposed sins, while everyone else had joined their loved ones in instrumentality. But this was not what he wanted, to be trapped with the whole of humanity in a single conciousness, with no individuality, no personality, no private memory. So he chose not to allow the melding of humanity with itself, and the next thing he knew, he was on a white sand beach leaning over Asuka, strangling her. Her only words were: "So disgusting."

**Please Read and Review**


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